that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
