It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
