I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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