My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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