My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
