apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
