Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
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