Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
