Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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