Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
