took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
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How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
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we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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