So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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