: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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