If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
