You work out of a Hotel?
I just cut my nipple shaving
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
