i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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