On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You pole danced in your parka.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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