If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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