Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
