Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
