im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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