every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He felt like a one man threesome
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
