One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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