I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
