We won't sleep together?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
