im drinking this country out of the recession.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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