I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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