So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
