I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
