Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.