On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
