Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
