Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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