I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
