I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
