Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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