Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
