If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
