she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
