I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
