Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
