yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
