i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
