MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
