You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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