hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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