Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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