I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
