I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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