If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
