Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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