A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
