My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
