I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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