so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
