This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
